So, there's kind of this guy...
A few of friends of mine aren’t afraid to admit that any kind of emotional earthquake prompts their desire to roadtrip to the candy aisle. I have one friend who prefers the double stuffed oreo, and another who can’t get enough of sugarfree chocolate syrup when the going gets tough. When I was younger, I preferred diving into the Ben and Jerry’s when things got gloomy. Then, sometime in my teen years, I got over Ben and Jerry’s and moved on to…Ben. and Jerry.
And Jerry’s friend tom.
And Tom’s cousin.
...and his friend, too.
One could say endless romances and love affairs have fewer calories than donuts, and they would be right. But, for me, my boy craziness wasn't so much a dietary choice as it was a natural progression of how I cope with stress. You know, by totally losing myself in someone else’s.
Eventually, the stress in my life became less potent, yet I was still up to my same old tricks with Ben and the crew. All could be going well, but in the background, there was always some drama with the flavor of the week to keep my mind away from whatever was actually going on in my life, even though the drama no longer served a purpose: it was now distracting me from the good.
So earlier tonight when I met my friend Allison for dinner after work, my jaw was nearly on the floor when, after telling her of recent work-triumphs and mazel-tov worthy personal successes, the following came out of my mouth:
"And also, there’s kind of this guy...”
Really???? I thought to myself. You’re finally on the upswing and there’s this GUY???? How am I talking about this right now???
Of course, I continued…
I went on about how I'm flirting with the idea of flirting with a friend of mine. (Yes, you read that correctly.) I proceeded to tell Allison how vitally important this "guy's" friendship was to me, and for all the times I’ve willingly stuck a screwdriver into relationships and sabotaged them and myself, my friendship with this guy is quite possibly so important that I'm not really willing to do that in this case. (Gee, what to do...)
“Well, even besides that,” Allison said gently, “you’d be putting a screwdriver into your whole life. Don’t you see how important of a time you’re in right now?”
Of course I do!!! I thought. That’s why I’m doing this: I simply cannot bear it.
I have a theory (which I sort of hijacked from Marianne Williamson) that it's our light, not our darkness, we are most afraid of. I think being with ourselves is actually harder when we're NOT in crisis than when we are because, who are we if not in crisis? If not living the life we see led around us on Real Housewives of Whatever County, how are we to live? Everyone has drama, dont they? we tell ourselves, when really all we have to do is look up at the sky to know we haven't fallen off the planet thus far. Heck, things seem to be going quite well as a matter of fact.
So I guess that's why I'm writing this. I've probably spent a whole lot of time with Ben, Jerry and a bunch of their friends as of late when really all I've wanted to do is hang out with Laura Max, pull a James Taylor and Shed a Little Light. Because after all the darkness, all the drama, there actually is a whole lot of light. Writing is one of my favorite ways to cultivate that, so it only seems appropriate that I light a match and start a new blog. Here goes.
Welcome to The Light Files.