On Joy and Unpredictability
"What do you really want to do for your birthday?" Ben asked me yesterday.
Immediately I imagined myself as I haven't been for several months now: asleep, the clock reading 10:45 AM or so, the baby happily entertained in her daddy's arms while I blissfully slept the morning away...
"Sleep," I replied. "I want to sleep."
"Done," Ben responded. "You'll sleep and I'll take the baby in the morning, then we can go on a family walk and out to Kenny and Ziggy's." Bliss. It sounded like the perfect day, especially because we would both be well-rested. Selma decided about four days ago that she would start sleeping through the night, so even if Ben didn't sleep in, he would still be at least somewhat awake. Yes, it would be the perfect, ordinary-like-it-once-was, day.
But in spite of how simple my birthday request was, and in spite of how little I imagined could possibly go wrong with such a request, Selma wasn't having it. They say God laughs when you make plans. In our family, it's God and Selma.
Our 12-hour/night sleeper woke up three times last night. Or was it four? Ben took on the night feedings so I could sleep and when we both woke up this morning he was bone tired. I took over the baby and he took a very brief cat nap before bundling Selma up and taking her on a walk so I could shower. But I'm not showering, I'm writing this instead.
I'm writing this because this morning is exactly what this year, and especially these last 2.5 months, have been like for us. This year has been hard. This year has been unpredictable. This year, I've been exhausted. But this morning is different. This morning I am so grateful I could cry. This morning, everything is crazy like it always is, but I get to do crazy and messy and unpredictable with the people I love most in the world. We never know what's going to happen next and how each day will unfold, but we get to figure it out with each other and hold each other really really tight during all of it. While I often wish I had a bit more control, I'm so grateful to have my little family around me so we can hold on to each other when we don't realize we really don't have any control at all.
I think many people in this world feel pretty similarly today: the future isn't what we predicted, we woke up to a different reality than we were prepared to deal with, we're uncertain how we'll get through it. But we will. We'll hold on to each other, and we'll get through it with each other. And that will be the biggest blessing of all.
Thank you to all of my family and friends who have made this year so special for me. On this day, my 28th birthday, I am brought to tears by how abundant my life is because I have you all in it.
Cheers to another year of joy and unpredictability.